[Part Four of the Britain Series]

I am writing this to keep myself awake. (scribbles) Well, at least I’m mostly writing because of that—I also just want to write something. (more scribbles) Right now, I’m sitting in the middle of the gate at Terminal 36 of London’s Gatwick Airport, and I’m really quite sleepy. Jotting down these words in a (indecipherable) continuous stream is the only (word missing?) that is working from dozing off— •

[Part Three of the Britain Series]

A plastic fork just dropped down next to my seat. Do I have to tell the stewardess about it? Would doing this oblige me to pick it up?

That flight attendant looks like a girl I once knew—Is there a chance that they’re related? If so, does this count as a good icebreaker?

Why is this plane so damn cold?

Is it strange to be more than cordial with a stewardess? Do people really ever strike up friendships with these people?

Would it be possible that I’d have a chance if I made a move on her? Could the possibility still be considered when my living a million miles away factors in?

What about me being at least seven years her junior?

Returning from a tour of Britain, one thing I’ve noticed is that there are many, many smart, determined, and good-looking young women on the other side of the pond. What’s the deal?

Even if I were older, rich, and living in Europe, could I ever make a go at it with any of these amazing women? Corollary: Could I make it with any girl?

Am I a failure?

There is a baby crying behind me. Am I a horrible person for wanting to shove it in the overhead bin?

Would this be a good use of my energy?

I’m very tired and in need of some coffee: this airplane stuff really just doesn’t make the cut. Is there a Starbucks at the gate? •

[Part Two of the Britain Series]

Geography

Great Britain, the primary component of the United Kingdom, lies on the British Isles, which are composed of the countries England, Scotland, and Wales. There are some others(?).

History

There were many kings and queens that have reigned over the United Kingdom, with different lineages and varying timelines that make the whole of royalty very hard to remember, let alone understand. Luckily, there are really only three that you actually need to know: Edward I “Longshanks,” who was kind of a douche to the Scots; Henry VIII, who was the world’s first hardcore pimp; and Victoria, who stole half of the world to get tea and cut drugs (she also outlawed fun—ironic?).

Culture

There is a bit of animosity between England and everybody else around then, stemming from them trying to conquer anything that moved. Frankly, the English are convinced they’re just being bad sports about it.

France

Britain is located above France and the rest of Europe, separated by the English Channel. The French call this “The Sleeve,” due to all of the tricks the English have pulled out of it.

City Planning

Fact: the British have been scientifically proven to be at least 500 IQ points smarter than you. These cerebral masterminds have wielded their god-like intelligence to adapt to traveling in cities with twisting streets that change names every block, cutting through neighborhoods that seem to have been organized by a tweaked-out meerkat.

Nietzsche’s Supermen have arrived, and they are tour bus drivers.

Architecture

Who built that cathedral? Sir Christopher Wren. How about that armory? Sir Christopher Wren. That palace? That chapel? Guess who! Every. Single. One.

Food

Sorry?

Livestock

Seen from space, Britain is the whitest landmass on the planet. This luminescence is predicted to jump by 20% in the next three years because of the sheep infestation that’s plagued the islands for countless millennia.

Oh, and there are some horses, too. •

[Part One of the Britain Series]

—Hello?
—’Ello, Gov’nah!
—Hi…

(Pause)

What’s up?
—You mean: what happens to be going on? Well, ol’ chap, I placed this call on the telephone line to check up on your flight status. How is it, mate?
—It’s mid-flight and it’s, um… four in the morning your time.
—Blimey! I hope that I did not interrupt your rest.
—That’s OK. I don’t really sleep well on planes, anyway.
—That’s unfortunate.
—I guess. I did want to try to acclimate to your time before we got in.
—Yes, yes, terrible shame. Just dreadful.
—Yeah.

(Pause)

—So, what are your plans once you get in?
—Well, they’re still the same. Customs, check-in at the hotel, Tower of London—
—Oh, fish and chips! My tower is just a marvelous destination this season, just marvelous. Though I will warn you, the queue will be a tad long…
—Right, right. It will. But I’m excited for the whole thing.
—Could it get any better?
—No, it—well… I mean, everything’s wonderful and all. I’m so fortunate to be going, it’s just that… I just wish I could go to Paris instead. No offense, I loved seeing you last time, you’re a stupendous city—
—Uh-huh.
—Look, you know how it is with Paris and me. I’ve been studying French for years, and… We just have something special, you know? I can’t really say it better.
—Yes. Right.
—I hope you understand. It’s not you, it’s me.
—No, quite. Everything’s dandy.
—Good, I’m glad to hear it, no hard feelings, alright? I’m coming to see you and it’s going to be great.
—Of course. It’ll be taters and mash, it will.

(Pause)

—Well, this phone call must be costing a fortune. You should try to get some sleep, too…
—OK, sure. See you in a few.
—God save the Queen.
—Bye. •

After returning from England and Scotland, I’ve typed up four short humor pieces (one really short) that relate to the country, mostly. Three were written during the actual trip itself while the second of the four was made after the fact. I’ll be posting these four every couple of days, with pictures in between.

Cheerio!

January the 3rd, Year 742 of The Awakening

1:30 PM

R: Welcome, brothers, thank you all for coming. May the One True Vision guide us well in our congregation on this oh-so-auspicious day. F, what’s first up on the agenda?
F: Item One… Does anyone need their parking validated? Mistress D can do that up front.
R: Let’s take a short break and get that worked out…

1:37 PM

R: Everyone settled? OK, great. Item Two?
F: Item Two… Rent. We didn’t get to it last time.
R: Yes! Hey! Could someone explain to me what’s going on? First, a few of you were telling me that you’re going to be a little late with your share—you know who you are—and I relax a little, because I trust you guys to help coördinate our global domination, so obviously I can trust you guys to get me a check by the first, right? Wrong. Now, before you know it, I’m scrapping the bottom of the rainy-day jar. That thing’s only supposed to be for emergencies! How much do you think places in this part of the city cost? Do you think they grow on trees? Seriously, comrades, what’s the deal? Plus, the super told me that the owners are already looking for excuses to kick us out of here. They want to put a gym in for the condos next door. A gym! Did you know…

1:43 PM

R: …Moving on. Item Three.
F: Item Three… Status Reports.
R: J, let’s start with you.
J: Let’s see… The Liberal Media is working pretty well for us right now. Celebrity scandal saturation is up. Public attention span is down. In terms of youth subversion, teen drug use is up… More fifth-graders are staying up past ten, so that’s always good… We think that we can get more disenchanted eighteen-year-olds to vote for the Green Party in the next election… No one’s still really listening to the conspiracy theorists, ironically… All in all, I’m projecting a relatively smooth Ascendance of the New World Order could begin as soon as mid-Fourth Quarter.
R: Very good, keep it up. What about your department, M? M? Are you awake?
M: Oh yeah, yeah sure. The number of historic artifacts and religious relics we now possess is approaching—
R: M, this is the third time in a month. That’s unacceptable.
M: I know, I know, it’s just that… can I tell you later?
R: No, M. You better give me a damn good explanation, and you better give it quick.
M: Um, well… The thing is, the Mrs. and I have been going through a rough patch lately. She kicked me out, and… I think we’re going to separate.
R: Wow, uh… I’m really sorry to hear that.
M: Thanks, I guess.
R: You should have told me sooner. I didn’t mean to bring something like that out in front of everybody.
M: Actually, I think everybody already knows. I’m crashing at F’s place right now, and Q’s next week.
R: Really?
F: Yeah…
M: Could I be excused for a minute?
R: Sure. Actually, let’s all take a little break… Get some water, and… Yeah… •

Two days ago, I returned from a ten-day tour of England and Scotland. It was a really good trip, and I’ll probably post some pictures soon. Probably.

I do promise to post some new material in the next couple of hours to make up for the dry spell that was me  being on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean.

That’s really it. Sorry for a kind-of-useless post. Enjoy the rest!