Zach! Are you there? Great. I just want to let you know, on behalf of all of us here, how glad we are to have you on speaker with us. We’re all “totally bummed out” that you couldn’t make it here today, but we understand that production is pretty tight there in LA, so thanks for making time—no, we don’t mind if you step out and get some Bugles…

You’re back? Fantastic. Can’t have those “munchies,” right? Man, listen Zach, it’s fun “chillin’” and everything, but we really need to get to some business first, if that’s OK. Trust me, we’ll keep it as “un-lame” as we can—good, good. So, we here at the network are really big fans of your work; we were watching it way before all the hype—my favorite early “webisode?” I really liked, uh… the one with the guy and the knife and– yeah, that one… That’s not an episode? “Shoot cuz,” I’m terribly sorry: the speakerphone’s been on the fritz lately—on the fritz? It means it’s just “totally freaking out” on us. Sorry about that, man!

Anyway, like I was saying, we here have been following your show for a while, and can I just say? We absolutely love it! The whole teenage “vlog”/action-spy stuff: it’s like “The OC” meets “James Bond,” but “to the max!” Obviously, YouTube’s been a great place to start, but we’d like to move you out of the part-time crowd and give you the full-time treatment. We’re talking about primetime, “dude!” Is that “fly,” or what?

We’re prepared to order six half-hour episodes for the fall, with a tentative 8 o’clock—wait, did you say a full season? Isn’t that a little—no, no, no, we’re “down” with that, yeah, “totally rad.” As for what you want yourself, we were thinking about starting out—excuse me, three million and executive producer credits? Would you be interested in some stock? We have some “real killer” options available—well OK, then: three million and executive producer. Fine. Great. Just super. We’ll fax you some paperwork- actually forget it, we’ll just e-mail them. If you can look them over and figure it out with your agent by Monday, that’d be stupendous—”boss.” It means “boss.” OK? Grand. Well, it’s certainly been a pleasure—Hello?

If I have to deal with anymore of these goddamn kids, I swear to God… ◆