January the 3rd, Year 742 of The Awakening

1:30 PM

R: Welcome, brothers, thank you all for coming. May the One True Vision guide us well in our congregation on this oh-so-auspicious day. F, what’s first up on the agenda?
F: Item One… Does anyone need their parking validated? Mistress D can do that up front.
R: Let’s take a short break and get that worked out…

1:37 PM

R: Everyone settled? OK, great. Item Two?
F: Item Two… Rent. We didn’t get to it last time.
R: Yes! Hey! Could someone explain to me what’s going on? First, a few of you were telling me that you’re going to be a little late with your share—you know who you are—and I relax a little, because I trust you guys to help coördinate our global domination, so obviously I can trust you guys to get me a check by the first, right? Wrong. Now, before you know it, I’m scrapping the bottom of the rainy-day jar. That thing’s only supposed to be for emergencies! How much do you think places in this part of the city cost? Do you think they grow on trees? Seriously, comrades, what’s the deal? Plus, the super told me that the owners are already looking for excuses to kick us out of here. They want to put a gym in for the condos next door. A gym! Did you know…

1:43 PM

R: …Moving on. Item Three.
F: Item Three… Status Reports.
R: J, let’s start with you.
J: Let’s see… The Liberal Media is working pretty well for us right now. Celebrity scandal saturation is up. Public attention span is down. In terms of youth subversion, teen drug use is up… More fifth-graders are staying up past ten, so that’s always good… We think that we can get more disenchanted eighteen-year-olds to vote for the Green Party in the next election… No one’s still really listening to the conspiracy theorists, ironically… All in all, I’m projecting a relatively smooth Ascendance of the New World Order could begin as soon as mid-Fourth Quarter.
R: Very good, keep it up. What about your department, M? M? Are you awake?
M: Oh yeah, yeah sure. The number of historic artifacts and religious relics we now possess is approaching—
R: M, this is the third time in a month. That’s unacceptable.
M: I know, I know, it’s just that… can I tell you later?
R: No, M. You better give me a damn good explanation, and you better give it quick.
M: Um, well… The thing is, the Mrs. and I have been going through a rough patch lately. She kicked me out, and… I think we’re going to separate.
R: Wow, uh… I’m really sorry to hear that.
M: Thanks, I guess.
R: You should have told me sooner. I didn’t mean to bring something like that out in front of everybody.
M: Actually, I think everybody already knows. I’m crashing at F’s place right now, and Q’s next week.
R: Really?
F: Yeah…
M: Could I be excused for a minute?
R: Sure. Actually, let’s all take a little break… Get some water, and… Yeah… ◆