[Part Two of the Britain Series]

Not too long ago, I returned from a two-week tour of England and Scotland. The following are bits and pieces of what makes Britain Britain, culled from my traveling perspective:

Geography
Great Britain, the primary component of the United Kingdom, lies on the British Isles, which are composed of the countries England, Scotland, and Wales. There are some others(?).

History
There were many kings and queens that have reigned over the United Kingdom, with different lineages and varying timelines that make the whole of royalty very hard to remember, let alone understand. Luckily, there are really only three that you actually need to know: Edward I “Longshanks,” who was kind of a douche to the Scots; Henry VIII, who was the world’s first hardcore pimp; and Victoria, who stole half the world to get tea and cut drugs (she also outlawed fun—ironic?).

Culture
There is a bit of animosity between England and everybody else around then, stemming from them trying to conquer anything that moved. Frankly, the English are convinced they’re just being bad sports about it.

France
Britain is located above France and the rest of Europe, separated by the English Channel. The French call this “The Sleeve,” due to all of the tricks the English have pulled out of it.

City Planning
Fact: the British have been scientifically proven to be at least 500 IQ points smarter than you. These cerebral masterminds have wielded their god-like intelligence to adapt to traveling in cities with twisting streets that change names every block, cutting through neighborhoods that seem to have been organized by a tweaked-out meerkat.

Nietzsche’s Supermen have arrived, and they are tour bus drivers.

Architecture
Who built that cathedral? Sir Christopher Wren. How about that armory? Sir Christopher Wren. That palace? That chapel? Guess who! Every. Single. One.

Food
Sorry?

Livestock
Seen from space, Britain is the whitest landmass on the planet. This luminescence is predicted to jump by 20% in the next three years because of the sheep infestation that’s plagued the islands for countless millennia.

Oh, and there are some horses, too. ◆