Nowadays, more and more people are discussing the big important things that are really big and important to them in big, important ways. But what exactly are they?

The Economy
Right now, a lot of hardworking folks are worried about how far their dollar will go during a recession. This is a very valid concern because, as everyone knows, the kid that don’t run far or fast at recess, say during daily soccer games, always gets left behind and has to play goalie, except the ball never gets down on that side and so he stands around looking like a loser, and the girls always notice and from then on will make sure to automatically reject him as a teenager even as he struggles to make eye contact and ends up just creepily smiling at them while he gets his inhaler because his asthma flares up when he gets excited. But everyone can tell he’s excited. Everyone.

Gasoline Prices
The cost of filling up your tank is astronomical, shooting for the moon and past the stars so fast an actual physical hole has been ripped in the space-time continuum, or at least some guy in a talking wheelchair told me once (this may have been a joke—I couldn’t tell from the inflection of his robo-voice).

Many Americans are turning to buses and other mass transit, and some converted commuters are affixing buttons reading “Dumped the Pump.” Shockingly though this ends up being a really ill-advised, i.e. poorly thought out, i.e. stupid, decision.

For starters: buttons? What is this, Nixon ’72?

But! What people don’t realize is that millions of households across the country are literally figuratively sitting on a goldmine of transportation that costs them pennies on the dollar for what they’re paying for automobiles.

I am talking, of course, about the Internet.

What we take for granted on our personal computers is really an untapped resource for getting around. Forget biofuels—too little difference to warrant starving the poor even more. Hybrids just give you a leg up at haute dinner parties where everyone one-ups the last’s vert-ité during apéritifs. Hydrogen fuel cells? Remember the Hindenburg? Exactly.

But with the Internet, the opportunities are endless. The World Wide Web is already the Information Superhighway: Why not the Any-mation Superhighway? It’s already a series of fiber-optic wires, how hard could it be to make it a series of people-sized tubes? I even think they brought that up in the Senate, and when Congress starts talking you just know something’s going to happen soon.

Immigration
This is a particularly contentious subject in today’s modern world. From what I’ve heard on TV and the radio, waves of Mexican migrant workers haven been catapulting across the border into the US to “steal” American jobs.

It’s understandable why people want this to stop. No human being should have to use a catapult, trebuchet, or other sling-like apparatus to launch themselves anywhere. For one thing, it’s not very safe to plummet to the ground from any appreciable height. Remember those poor Acme pianos?

Randomly slinging yourself places is also just not a very effective method of transportation. With variables like tensile strength, weight, and wind speed, there’s no telling where somebody might land. How is a familia of five supposed to stick together in the middle of the Pacific? ¡Ay, caramba!

Besides, why would you want to “steal” a job, anyway? You can get one for free—just volunteer, dummy!

Foreign Policy
Some today worry about America’s standing in the international community. Personally, I don’t think we have anything to worry about: in fact, I’ve never been standing better. My back’s pretty straight and I never had scoliosis. All in all, my posture’s been good—pretty, pretty, pretty good.

Although I can’t speak on behalf of the other 250 or so million people in this country, I’m guessing that the majority of us stand up pretty well most of the time. It’s probably because of those who stood before us, all our forefathers, the pioneers of anytime who had to stand tall and march into the bold unknowns and the final frontiers for a new tomorrow, not just for themselves or their descendants, but also for all mankind that was and was yet to be.

Or maybe it’s just all the chiropractors around here. Same difference. ◆