Attention: Are you a go-getter, sort of? An expert in something utterly useless?  Ever wanted to experience the glamour of celebrity without all the long-term hassles? Well, now you can have your cake and eat it too.
Introducing… the Internet!

Instant Fame: Yours, If You Want It
So, what’s the big deal? What’s the secret? Imagine a get-rich-quick scheme, except instead of taking advantage of a whole slew of people, it’s only exploiting one—you! As long as you have some mesmerizing skill or are mind-numbingly stupid (preferably both), you’re set. Just keep in mind that people are taking time out of their own lives, time they’ll never ever get back, to stare and/or laugh at you. Own it!

Three Keys to Unlocking the Internet
You might be saying, “This sounds too good to be true. And even if it weren’t, there’s no way I could do this.” Really though, the whole process is incredibly easy and intuitive. Here are the three surefire steps to success:

1. Embrace Your Inner Warhol
First, using any consumer camcorder or camera-phone, record yourself doing whatever it is you do well (or poorly). Don’t worry about shaky cameras, inaudible sound, or any other “professional” concerns. Resolution? Where we’re going, we don’t need resolution!

2. Mixing It All Up
Now it’s time to put your video up, sans editing, for everyone to ooh, ah, and otherwise gawk at at. This step is as easy as simply clicking the button labeled “Upload” found on the front-page of the Internet. Remember: the less comprehensible the title, the better.

3. Slow and Steady Wins the Race—For Last
Finally, watch your video as many times as humanly possible, and then some more for good measure. Not only does this prepare you for the multitude of morning news shows you’ll be interviewed by, it also boosts your video’s view count, and soon all the urban hipsters will be flocking to the see the next big “up-and-coming” thing. Once you see college kids in ironic t-shirts spawned by your little slice of the zeitgeist, you’re home free. Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy the procession of copycats following your video as it steadily makes its way to the top. Congratulations, you’ve made it!

Time and Tide
Of course, nothing lasts forever, and in three weeks time another ridiculous time-suck will steal the limelight. Soon you’re back to being another mere name in the phonebook. But what does that matter? You’ve experienced what may very well be the greatest accomplishment of your entire life. And wasn’t it just the greatest?

Are You Ready?
So now, the choice is yours. The ball is in your play. What will you do? Look, we all lose our dignity at some point—why not enjoy the ride? Instant celebrity is just a few keystrokes and pratfalls away.
Carpe diem, my friends. Carpe diem. ◆