I. Shakespeare at His Agent

—Come in, sit down. It’s good to see you! How’ve you been?
—Fairest-tempered, if I do self-contemplate.
—Ha-ha, yes! I’m—no, we’re just super. I just got off the phone with the Arts editor at the Times. They want to do a cover for their theater issue, a “day in the life” kind of a thing. I penciled you in for the 5th, alright?
—Well… thou dost perchance infringe upon plans yet earthly laid.
—Could you move things around? This is big.
—In hypothetical rumination, still I know not the consequence of—
—Super. More news: Disney has a TV pitch for you. Everyone knows that Romeo and Juliet died at the end of your play. What this show presupposes is: maybe they didn’t?
—I am not of proper certainty—
—Hold on a sec. Imagine if the two star-crossèd lovers had to put up with a crazy old butler, Bartholomew, that they got from a dead uncle or nobleman or something, and they got dragged into wacky, family-friendly adventures when he just would not sit still. They’ll call it “Wherefore Bart Thou?” That’s the catchphrase, too!
—This seems not to be in accordance with my will for the heritage of my own theatrical composition.
—Shakes-e-poo, I’m not going to beat around the bush. You want to be big. I want you to be big. This is how we get big. Market saturation.
—If it must be so, let it… The conclusion of our dialogue, hast thou reached it?
—Actually: what would you think of “Othello—The Game?”

II. Automotive Assistance

—Help, I’ve crashed my car under a bridge and I can’t get out! Can somebody help me?
—I don’t know, can somebody help you? Can somebody help anybody?
—Please, I’m stuck down here and the river… Oh God, it’s getting deeper!
—Yeah, sure. Ya think you got problems?
—(Pause.) Yes!
—I got problems, le’me tell you. I got mo’ problems than a hound dog on the fourth of July.
—What does that even mean?
—Sometimes, I just got to sit down with my here guitar and play a sad little melody ‘bout my woes. Could’ja let me do that, for you?
—Not now. If you’d please ca—
—Oh my woman lef’ me, lef’ me clear as day…
—Sir, could you just sen—
—Oh my woman lef’ me, and I got to pay…
—Is there someone else I can talk to? I don’t think you get the “now”-ness of the situat—
—Well I don’t know what love is, now her bags done gone away.
—The water!
—I don’t know what happen’, how she got the gag out…
—The car’s starting t—wait, what?
—I don’t know what happen’, I blocked the only known route…
—Whoa, hold on a secon—
—Next time I see her tho’, sure as hell gonna make’er shout.
—(Pause.) I think…you should…get…some…help… Awwgfffgffaaaw…
—Why do they always make that noise? ◆