[Part One of the Britain Series]

—Hello?
—’Ello, Gov’nah!
—Hi…

(Pause)

What’s up?
—You mean: what happens to be going on? Well, ol’ chap, I placed this call on the telephone line to check up on your flight status. How is it, mate?
—It’s mid-flight and it’s, um… four in the morning your time.
—Blimey! I hope that I did not interrupt your rest.
—That’s OK. I don’t really sleep well on planes, anyway.
—That’s unfortunate.
—I guess. I did want to try to acclimate to your time before we got in.
—Yes, yes, terrible shame. Just dreadful.
—Yeah.

(Pause)

—So, what are your plans once you get in?
—Well, they’re still the same. Customs, check-in at the hotel, Tower of London—
—Oh, fish and chips! My tower is just a marvelous destination this season, just marvelous. Though I will warn you, the queue will be a tad long…
—Right, right. It will. But I’m excited for the whole thing.
—Could it get any better?
—No, it—well… I mean, everything’s wonderful and all. I’m so fortunate to be going, it’s just that… I just wish I could go to Paris instead. No offense, I loved seeing you last time, you’re a stupendous city—
—Uh-huh.
—Look, you know how it is with Paris and me. I’ve been studying French for years, and… We just have something special, you know? I can’t really say it better.
—Yes. Right.
—I hope you understand. It’s not you, it’s me.
—No, quite. Everything’s dandy.
—Good, I’m glad to hear it, no hard feelings, alright? I’m coming to see you and it’s going to be great.
—Of course. It’ll be taters and mash, it will.

(Pause)

—Well, this phone call must be costing a fortune. You should try to get some sleep, too…
—OK, sure. See you in a few.
—God save the Queen.
—Bye. ◆

After returning from England and Scotland, I’ve typed up four short humor pieces (one really short) that relate to the country, mostly. Three were written during the actual trip itself while the second of the four was made after the fact. I’ll be posting these four every couple of days, with pictures in between.

Cheerio!

January the 3rd, Year 742 of The Awakening

1:30 PM

R: Welcome, brothers, thank you all for coming. May the One True Vision guide us well in our congregation on this oh-so-auspicious day. F, what’s first up on the agenda?
F: Item One… Does anyone need their parking validated? Mistress D can do that up front.
R: Let’s take a short break and get that worked out…

1:37 PM

R: Everyone settled? OK, great. Item Two?
F: Item Two… Rent. We didn’t get to it last time.
R: Yes! Hey! Could someone explain to me what’s going on? First, a few of you were telling me that you’re going to be a little late with your share—you know who you are—and I relax a little, because I trust you guys to help coördinate our global domination, so obviously I can trust you guys to get me a check by the first, right? Wrong. Now, before you know it, I’m scrapping the bottom of the rainy-day jar. That thing’s only supposed to be for emergencies! How much do you think places in this part of the city cost? Do you think they grow on trees? Seriously, comrades, what’s the deal? Plus, the super told me that the owners are already looking for excuses to kick us out of here. They want to put a gym in for the condos next door. A gym! Did you know…

1:43 PM

R: …Moving on. Item Three.
F: Item Three… Status Reports.
R: J, let’s start with you.
J: Let’s see… The Liberal Media is working pretty well for us right now. Celebrity scandal saturation is up. Public attention span is down. In terms of youth subversion, teen drug use is up… More fifth-graders are staying up past ten, so that’s always good… We think that we can get more disenchanted eighteen-year-olds to vote for the Green Party in the next election… No one’s still really listening to the conspiracy theorists, ironically… All in all, I’m projecting a relatively smooth Ascendance of the New World Order could begin as soon as mid-Fourth Quarter.
R: Very good, keep it up. What about your department, M? M? Are you awake?
M: Oh yeah, yeah sure. The number of historic artifacts and religious relics we now possess is approaching—
R: M, this is the third time in a month. That’s unacceptable.
M: I know, I know, it’s just that… can I tell you later?
R: No, M. You better give me a damn good explanation, and you better give it quick.
M: Um, well… The thing is, the Mrs. and I have been going through a rough patch lately. She kicked me out, and… I think we’re going to separate.
R: Wow, uh… I’m really sorry to hear that.
M: Thanks, I guess.
R: You should have told me sooner. I didn’t mean to bring something like that out in front of everybody.
M: Actually, I think everybody already knows. I’m crashing at F’s place right now, and Q’s next week.
R: Really?
F: Yeah…
M: Could I be excused for a minute?
R: Sure. Actually, let’s all take a little break… Get some water, and… Yeah… ◆

Two days ago, I returned from a ten-day tour of England and Scotland. It was a really good trip, and I’ll probably post some pictures soon. Probably.

I do promise to post some new material in the next couple of hours to make up for the dry spell that was me  being on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean.

That’s really it. Sorry for a kind-of-useless post. Enjoy the rest!

Zach! Are you there? Great. I just want to let you know, on behalf of all of us here, how glad we are to have you on speaker with us. We’re all “totally bummed out” that you couldn’t make it here today, but we understand that production is pretty tight there in LA, so thanks for making time—no, we don’t mind if you step out and get some Bugles…

You’re back? Fantastic. Can’t have those “munchies,” right? Man, listen Zach, it’s fun “chillin’” and everything, but we really need to get to some business first, if that’s OK. Trust me, we’ll keep it as “un-lame” as we can—good, good. So, we here at the network are really big fans of your work; we were watching it way before all the hype—my favorite early “webisode?” I really liked, uh… the one with the guy and the knife and– yeah, that one… That’s not an episode? “Shoot cuz,” I’m terribly sorry: the speakerphone’s been on the fritz lately—on the fritz? It means it’s just “totally freaking out” on us. Sorry about that, man!

Anyway, like I was saying, we here have been following your show for a while, and can I just say? We absolutely love it! The whole teenage “vlog”/action-spy stuff: it’s like “The OC” meets “James Bond,” but “to the max!” Obviously, YouTube’s been a great place to start, but we’d like to move you out of the part-time crowd and give you the full-time treatment. We’re talking about primetime, “dude!” Is that “fly,” or what?

We’re prepared to order six half-hour episodes for the fall, with a tentative 8 o’clock—wait, did you say a full season? Isn’t that a little—no, no, no, we’re “down” with that, yeah, “totally rad.” As for what you want yourself, we were thinking about starting out—excuse me, three million and executive producer credits? Would you be interested in some stock? We have some “real killer” options available—well OK, then: three million and executive producer. Fine. Great. Just super. We’ll fax you some paperwork- actually forget it, we’ll just e-mail them. If you can look them over and figure it out with your agent by Monday, that’d be stupendous—”boss.” It means “boss.” OK? Grand. Well, it’s certainly been a pleasure—Hello?

If I have to deal with anymore of these goddamn kids, I swear to God… ◆

The post title’s pretty self-explanatory, but I guess I should probably give some sort of an introduction or forward (forewarning?).

I’m Owen Bates. I mostly make movies and write little things, among other stuff I do too infrequently to count. This blog is basically a place where I can put up videos, humor pieces, and musings that I’ve made and written for anyone who wants to see or read them. Perhaps I’ll also post some pictures.

There might be diary-like entries about my personal life, but that probably won’t ever happen; if it does, I’ll try to have it be something exciting and “un-morose”. Besides, a lot of that kind of stuff gets into the reflection pieces, and that’s really much too boring for anyone already.

Last but certainly not least, I would like to thank Edward Appleby for setting up and hosting this blog, as well as the entire Rushmore Academy/Yankee Racers community. Who knew being a Wes fan would pay off?

Anyways, take a look around. If you want to, go tell your friends about this little corner of the internet. Mostly, I just hope that anybody who’s stumbled across this little corner of the internet finds something enjoyable, amusing, or otherwise “worth it.”

Thanks, and have fun!

P.S. Oh, and for those who were wondering: The title comes from the Métro stop in Paris in that banner above. It is serviced by the 13 Line. “Ouen” is related to “Owen,” so hey - golden opportunity, right?